It's never easy

I had noticed my pregnancy symptoms were getting less and less. I kept searching for the heartbeat with my Doppler. I think I did here is last week, but it was very faint. When more symptoms faded, I knew something was going wrong. I was clinging to hope that maybe, just maybe I was wrong. Then today, I woke and I knew something was wrong I was cramping and the symptom that was slowly fading, was gone. I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. I was crushed. I knew it was hopeless. Jasper was in his recliner, I went to him, dropped to my knees and sobbed. He held me, I needed him and he was there. Held me and wiped tears as well.

Since it was Sunday, I encouraged him to go to church and he took Carl with him. I began to have contractions around 12:30 or so, and by 1:45, I had passed our precious baby. I held her in my hand and cried and told her I loved her. Her bottom, legs and feet were outside the sac. I could see what looked to be girl parts, so I named her Christiana Joy. I had taken that bleach test and it said girl, so I am going with that and what I saw. I will never forget her feet. So tiny. I could not bear to flush my baby, so we buried her. It was so sad, Rebecca cried so hard. It broke my heart again to see her pain. I just don't know if we will have anymore. I just don't know if I can bear the pain of another loss, that made 6. I know in a few days I will feel better emotionally. I am so thankful for the children I have living. I am so blessed.